I have something I want to say, and now I have an audience who will, hopefully, listen. This has nothing to do with World of Warcraft, so if a post about life, the universe, and everything will bore you, feel free to read my previous post: 44 and Counting.
Part of my then-fiance’s pre-marital counseling with our pastor included a personality profile and a temperment profile. After getting the results back, I was clearly marked as hostile, argumentative, inhibited, and insensitive. Those sound pretty bad, but it is really only that the opposites of those are so sweet, to be completely opposite of my traits is not really desirable, either. Anyway, he pretty much insisted that I get some professional help with my personality before we got married, just so I would be a better person.
That is the background, now for my insight on what counseling has revealed to me. I hate people.ย It really seems like I do. Sure, I have lots of friends, and I get along really well with several of my closer co-workers. I work in a department of 8 in a building of 300. As it turns out, even some of my co-workers find these flaws personally bothersome to them. I get a lot of leniance and grace from my boss because that is the way I am, and she sees a lot of herself in me. I don’t get a ‘free pass’ for everything I do, but it generally creates a coaching session in her office when I screw up to discuss how my words or actions were received by others and what we can do about it in the future.
The reason I hate people is that they are messy. They think things about me when I do or say things, or even when I don’t. (This, of course, applies to everyone, but I’m going to use the first person in case some things I end up saying don’t apply to the general population.) Those things that they think about me affect me in one way or another. I’d rather not have to deal with that. So, my mechanism is to keep people at a distance. I can be brash, condescending, insensitive, or a dozen other bad things that I’m not always aware that I’m doing. I don’t let people in until I know they know who I am and why I am the way I am.
The other major contributor to my state of mind is my general feeling of easy distraction/unhappiness. Mind you, I am a newlywed. I am VERY happy. Things have never, ever been this good. My health is increasing for the first time in my life, instead of the other way; I am secure; I have the support of my best friend when I come home every night; and things at work are going really good. So why, the heck am I unhappy?! It’s not even unhappiness. It’s more like a distracted unfulfilled potential. I am not in the position at work that I want because no one is recognizing my potential or because I have not jumped through the hoops yet. I don’t know, but at leastย my boss is trying to get me there.
I want to make a difference.
That is a paragraph in and of itself. It speaks volumes. Is it selfish to want to make a difference? Notice, I’m not saying that I want to become rich, or famous, or busy. I’m just a 28 (on Monday) year old guy with cystic fibrosis, a wife, a very nice apartment in a very nice development, with a wonderful family and a supportive chuch family who wants to make a difference. Is it hopeless to think that I possess something that other people would want?
I have been spending hours for months reading and interacting with people who have made a difference. They had a idea. They had some knowledge in an area. They were at the right place at the right time. There is Darren Rowse, Liz Strauss, Seth Godin, Brian Clark, and the people who created YouTube and lonelygirl15.
What is my idea or what knowledge do I have or need to get in order to make a difference? I think, I hope, and I pray that when I find that out, I will be happier. Or is it just a Holy Grail, never to be found?
wow………great post..although..ive never been in your circumstance (im only 16 ha) but man wish i could give some good naive adivce =P
cool…someone read the whole thing. Thanks. You’ll be old someday. ๐ I didn’t even get my first car until I was 18 (a 1984 Accord for $1600), so maybe you’ll grow up faster than me and help me out sooner than you know. ๐
You may hate me but I love your blog.
ROFLMbO
I too read the whole post, for that matter most of yours for several months. I find your writing insightful and well patterned. I mean joo right guud. As for personality traits you seem to be on par with what i see in myself. Being true to one self is paramont in our journey through life. Bonding with other people is not always going to be easy. Basing what a test tells you about you is placing more value in what other people see in you.
This is not to say that improvements can not be made in one’s personality. Far from it in fact. All those triats you seem to have based on what this test says just means one thing. You are a male of the Homo Sapien persuasion. Its a curse let me tell you. If those four traits you said were the only sore points the congrats you are a man now. These traits have sen us through as a race so many times. Too many so called councilers wish to femenize men down to where we wont be capable of violence or selfish thought. This is the root of the problem. To be successful we need to as men understand that we all have darkness inside(Not some homicidal killer mind you) but a need to feel we can change our suroundings and defend those we care for. This is where all the “Negative” traits come from, we are born defenders. That is a biological drive. Defending one self on a emotional level (Inhibited and insesitive) are just a way for us to not become vulnerable to attack.
As i said there are always ways to improve communication and social interaction with other people. Just make sure you are doing this for the improvemant aspect not from a stand point that something is wrong with you.
Sorry this struck a cord with me and i rambled a bit. Love your blog.
No need to apologize, Mindkiller. Out of the oh, 440 comments on this blog, I’d have to put this as one, if not THE, favorite.
I really understand your statement about the feminizing of the counselors, but I can assure you that my counselor is very conscious of that. We have both read Wild at Heart by John Eldridge. It’s about what men need to be men, leaders, and the backbone of the family. Great read.
Our pastor’s concerns were that he had seen my personality play out in offending and minimizing people, even at church on Sunday mornings when I am on my best behaviors. If that’s how I am then, then I can really see the need to change to get along with people better. We are making good progress and I have another appointment tomorrow before Christmas.
If changes need to be made and are acknowledged by you as needing changes then you have yourself a good councilor. Helping you see that there might be a problem with your social behavior, convincing you of it and helping you see a way to improve said behavior seems to be well taking care of with your councilor.
Perhaps knowing when to shut off the antagonistic minimalization will help a great deal in smoothing out social interactions. I know I had to learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes. However as I get older(29 in february is that old yet?) I find that censoring myself now carries with it a feeling of diminishment. Like I can’t say what i really mean. So nine times out of ten I say excatly whats on my mind. Not very tactful I know but it lets out those negative feelings.
I am happy for you and that you have such a caring group of people to not only point out your faults but will bear with you while you work to “sand down” the rough edges. Rock on boss.